Color Me Lethargic.

I graduated yesterday (thanks to all who came) but I don't feel any different than I did during finals week. They ushered us into the gym, made us wear square peices of cardboard on our heads, shook our hands and handed us pieces of paper. That whole process is supposed to feel special, yet somehow I can't help but feel bitter and somewhat envious of all those returning for another year. I guess it makes me want to go back and get my graduate degree, but I'm done for a while. I still get drunk all the time, I still hang out with the same people, still read the same books, watch the same shows, listen to the same music... I can't help but think that there's nothing out here for me, that I don't belong outside just yet. There are certain expectations people are going to have for me now, but I'm not willing to take on those roles just yet. I shouldn't have to. They can't make me. Can they?

I feel like once I fall into a job I'm going to turn into just another drone. I don't want to be one of those people married to their job. You know the ones - they have the stories that all start out, "So I was at work the other day," and call work on their days off to see how things are going or talk to coworkers. Don't get me wrong - I'll be dedicated to my job, I just don't want to define who I am by what I do.

Anyway, so I filmed my movie part yesterday. It was an amazing experience - both enlightening and entertaining. I know now that could never be a professional actress. First off, I'm not that great. Secondly, it's really frustrating having to do the same thing over and over from different angles or with different emphasis. Thirdly, it's too revealing having a crew surround you while you bear your soul. I have a lot more respect for the profession now. As well, I totally respect Gwen and her husband (the writers/producers of this film). They have written, edited, researched, saved money, budgeted, found sponsors and actors, etc. for this film. Gwen directs while her husband films and adjusts lighting, each offering the other constructive criticism and feedback without arguing. They're just so supportive of each other... that's what I like to see, especially in a marriage. It's a great cast and crew - nerdy and smart, I really enjoyed their company. Check them out later at the Gameheads site. Chris Jones, my partner in my scene, was all kinds of supportive with me, and I really appreciate his time, energy and enthusiasm. He could just as easily have blown me off and gotten shit done, but he was all kinds of amazing. Thanks so much, everyone!

Well, I'm out for now. Call me later- I'm around.

~*PEACE*~